i'm writing these confessions to you.

17/07/10

not much has changed. things have got worse with emily after i thought we sorted things. i still hate work, + i’m in on a saturday night when i really wna be out doing something. or someone.

meh.

07/07/10

Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve wrote on here. It feels like so much has happened in the past few weeks, but I wouldn’t really know where to start.

Firstly, I’m still working. Not quite sure how, but I still am. It’s dire here. I’m really not enjoying it. I feel like I was employed to do a job, but no one really knows what to do with me. I just get on with my own thing, hoping its good enough. I shouldn’t complain too much, I managed to convince the director to buy me a £200 flash gun for my camera…
The weeks feel like they’re going super fast, but the days itself really drag. I spend so long twiddling my thumbs + not knowing what to do with myself. I definitely can’t wait til this summer’s over. I need to move back down to Portsmouth + get away from this all.

 The main reason I need to get away is because of my ‘best friend’. Over the past 2 weeks we’ve had some serious falling’s out, + as much as I thought they were sorted the other day, they’re not. It’s over now. I literally can’t deal with being on edge all the time. I feel like any petty excuse was used as a way to push me out. You know full well that pathetic excuse for another argument was down to your paranoia. + tbh, the way I was being treated I’m surprised I even gave you the time of day. You can continue to tell people ‘they only know one side of the story’ in some kind of aid to make yourself feel better, but we know the truth. There is no other side. You seemed to have built this barrier around you + your new friends, + can’t be bothered to let me in. It’s laughable the way you’ve changed. You’ve literally turned into a stranger. The way you’ve told me you don’t care about us anymore is disgusting. What the hell did the past year mean to you?!
Everyone knows I can be harsh + opinionated in arguments, but anyone can see that all I’ve been trying to do is get you to understand me. This whole fight was some kind of cry for our friendship to come back. The fact that you throw it in my face is disgusting behaviour. You say I need to grow up. I think you find I’m being very mature about this whole situation. You’re the one that needs to grow up + realise what a prat you’re actually being. It’s like you’ve given up on any hope for us. You honestly need to put yourself in my shoes for abit + see how I’m feeling through all of this. You’re treating me like fucking dirt.
I was the one who spoke up to try + sort this mess out, + if I hadn’t of confronted you yesterday; we’d be going through the silent treatment again, wouldn’t we? You’ve contradicted yourself so much throughout this whole argument. You tell me to speak to you, + not post about it – you’re answering asks about me which would lead anyone to believe we hadn’t originally sorted things out, when we had. You’re also posting how you need to cross people out of your life… this is all, of course, without talking to me. You also made a point of me including someone I never used to like in this stupid post I done - Yes, well done. Things change? You actually have a fucking cheek if you think you can use that against me, when you suddenly became pally again with someone who treated you like a cunt + you supposedly ‘didn’t like’. It’s a 2 way street, + you’re doing every single thing that you’re slating me for.
What makes this even worse is you don’t seem to have the slightest idea what you’re doing to me. You really don’t. Yes, we all go through a lot, + I know you’ve had some bad news lately. Don’t you think I have to? I lost my cat, my Nana’s in hospital, my Dad’s on the verge of loosing his job, I’ve been waiting anxiously for a reply to my letter  from my sister, + my Mum’s spent a lot of time at the doctors. But of course, you wouldn’t know all this stuff because you’ve been far too busy with your new social life with your other friends.
I would never once say that I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve said sorry numerous times, which is more than I can say for you. This whole argument 2 weeks ago started over something seriously pathetic, but you allowed it to get out of hand + turn into what it is now; a broken friendship that will more than likely never get fixed. You have to live with the fact you literally tore my heart into two. You know I gave you the fucking world. The amount I done for you, the amount I was there for you when your other ‘best friends’ were treating you like a dick. It was all for nothing, wasn’t it?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who can say you’ve changed. You’ve changed into a disgusting person. Someone who brings their self across as self centred + really small minded. One day something will open your eyes + make you see what you’ve lost. But unfortunately for you, I won’t be there to pick up the pieces.

(PS; don’t attempt to use this post against me. Not only am I doing this on my ‘writes’ blog that doesn’t have many followers, but I can also do whatever the fuck I want since you so kindly chose to not give a shit about my feelings. If you get ‘hate’ for this, you brought it on yourself. You don’t care anymore? Well, neither do I then.)

Asides from all that, things are good. Well, not good; but they’re okay. As I haven’t updated this in so long I obviously haven’t spoke about Lucas dying. My Dad found him last week with ivy tangled in his mouth + throat. He was either poisoned or choked. Obviously, I was completely distraught + that was the first thing to make my week go downhill.
Last week was just a horrible week in general, + I was hoping this week things would start to look up. After all of that shit that happened yesterday though, that’s looking very unlikely.

This weekend I’m moving into my new flat in Portsmouth. Cause of work, I obviously can’t actually move in til September. But me + my Mum are gna go down for a few days, just for abit of time away. Gna move some of the boxes in, that I’ve still got packed up from moving out of the last house. We’ve decided we’re gna go bowling, cinema + nando’s. It’s gna be a nice weekend, + exactly what I need to take my mind off of all this shit going on at home.

I think to sum up, I’m finally getting older + realising that things are gna change. Not too keen on them changing as dramatically as they are, but I’m gna have to deal with it. I guess the people you think you’re gna know forever, never turn out to be the ones you actually do. When I move to Portsmouth I have nothing holding me back now. I’m going to start a new life down there. The only person I’ll drag behind me from home is Charlie. If anything, throughout all of this I’ve learnt how much that boy means to me.

I’m gna start focussing on the people that actually care about me, not the pricks that continuously bring me down.

17/06/10

work is really long. as much as pay day is a really beautiful thing, i cant get into what i’m supposed to be doing cause my manager is just shit. fair enough he hasn’t had ‘experience managing people’ but thats not my problem /: i need some kind of direction + knowing what to do. i just feel like a lost cause most of the time. but i know soon he’s gna realise how much there is for me to do, then i’m gna be ridiculously busy.
do not crave.

anyway. this weeks pay went pretty quickly. gave my mum back £40 that i owed her, then spent £130 on theatre tickets for her birthday. oh, + then i treated myself to a long awaited craig david t shirt |-) haha!

tomorrow i’m seeing charlie for the first time in 2 weeks! thats far too long to go without seeing him. so, i’m really looking forward to that :) saturday i think i’m going pub with the girls + whoever wants to come along. the one good thing about working full time is actually making the most of your weekends.

saw dallas green finally on tuesday. he was so good, but i got a migraine during the gig so felt like i couldn’t enjoy myself as much as i wanted to /: typical! i’m still also pretty gutted he didn’t play ‘day old hate’ + ‘save your scissors’. they’re two of his most favourites + my favourites. but, nevermind!
also on the gig front, found out luke pickett is playing in london on monday night! he’s only supporting some girl (who’s shit, may i add) so he wont be doing many songs i doubt :( but, at least i get to see him again as it’s been far too long since january 2007!

ohohoh! + i’m finally meeting olliver next saturday. cannot waaaaait! (L)

anyway. its half 10 + i wna get an early night. xo